READMYHIPS
Uncut Interviews with Six Memoirists
By Kim Brittingham
Full interviews used to write "How to Be a Happy Memoirist: Surviving Emotionally-Charged Writing" for The Memoirists Collective's blog, April 12, 2007
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For my regular guest-blogger gig at The Memoirists Collective, I recently interviewed several memoirists to get their insight on how to stay happy while writing about unhappy things. Their responses were incredibly thoughtful and replete with genius – and since I could only use a small portion of their feedback in the final blog, I decided to publish their uncut interviews here.
Below, you'll find juicy advice and writerly anecdotes from:
Janice Erlbaum, author, Girlbomb
Erin Vincent, author, Grief Girl
David Matthews, author, Ace of Spades
Tania Katan, author, My One-Night Stand with Cancer
Wade Rouse, author, America's Boy and Confessions of a Prep School Mommy Handler
and
Mary Elizabeth Williams, currently at work on Location, Location, Location, to be published by Simon & Schuster.
Enjoy!
Sincerely,
Kim Brittingham
Interview with Janice Erlbaum, author of Girlbomb
Would you say that the process of writing your memoir was an emotionally challenging one?
Writing my memoir was definitely emotionally challenging. I had to revisit some very painful experiences, and own up to things I'd done that I really wasn't proud of. Writing about cheating on my first real boyfriend, or sleeping with my friend's boyfriend, or sucking my thumb as a teenager – those were things I wasn't eager to admit. But now that I've been honest about those things, I'm glad – writing the book helped me put a lot of old demons to rest.
How did having to temporarily "dwell" on these painful memories in order to write about them affect you psychologically?
Well, it was obviously no fun to dwell on painful memories – I got angry, I got sad, I got sentimental, and I got angry some more. But out of all the painful memories I had to re-encounter, it was especially hard for me to write about doing hard drugs, because I had to remember and recreate mental and physical sensations that I really didn't want to experience anymore. I'd find my heart pounding uncomfortably hard when I wrote about being on cocaine, or I'd get a paranoid, dissociated feeling when writing about taking acid. One night I was writing about doing coke, and I freaked out and called a friend and went straight to her apartment, because I didn't feel like I could stand to be alone right then. It was a very desperate, coked-up feeling.
During the writing of your manuscript, would you say you maintained a normal range of emotions, or did you experience a period of depression?
I experienced a period of intense exhaustion, where I thought I had narcolepsy or leukemia or multiple sclerosis or something, because I'd be working on the book, and I'd get so dizzy and tired that I'd have to lay down on the floor by my desk and shut my eyes for a while. And I was preoccupied a lot during the writing of the book. But I think I experienced a normal range of emotions – fury, despair, exhilaration – that's all normal, right?
Did confronting an emotionally-challenging past become easier or more difficult as your manuscript progressed?
It got easier with each draft. The first draft was the hardest, and then I had to go deeper for the second draft. But I'd already had some practice in confronting the material, so at least none of it was a surprise anymore. By the third draft, I could see it as a story with characters, and not so much as real people and events. And now it's like someone else wrote it; it feels so distant from my current life.
Were you in psychotherapy while you were writing your memoir? How was it helpful?
I've been in therapy for the last eleven years; my book is dedicated to my shrink, Judith. There's no way I could have come to a place in my life where I was stable and happy and motivated enough to tackle this project had I not been in therapy. She cheered me through the draft, and held my hand through the really hard parts. Plus, she was there to help me pick up the pieces post-publication, when my past was coming back to haunt me every time I checked my email.
While writing, did you confront or communicate with anyone from the past who caused some of the painful stuff you may have written about? If so, were you previously distanced from this person? Did you "break the silence" with
him or her with the intention of somehow enhancing your writing experience? If so, did it help your work? Hurt it? How?
I did not confront anyone from my past while writing my memoir, but I did go back to the shelter where I used to live. So I confronted a place from my past. It was incredibly helpful in the writing process, and terribly painful in the living process. I think it definitely helped the work, in that I was able to unlock more memories, and to draw on specific details.
While writing, what did you do to prevent negative emotions about the past from coloring your present?
I tried to have as much fun in the present as possible. And I tried to treat writing like it was any other job. I set goals, and rewarded myself for working hard. I went to my shrink twice a week. And for a while, I smoked a lot of pot, in an attempt to numb and distract myself from the pain. I've quit smoking since then.
Do you think one sacrifices an intensity of writing by attempting to keep past emotions at a distance?
Unfortunately, I think you have to be a "method writer" – you have to use your emotions in the same way actors do in order to perform well. You have to dredge up the ugly stuff and use it, or your writing will be flat.
Describe the one part of your memoir that was most emotionally challenging to write, and describe how you managed to get through it.
I broke down and cried for about three days when I remembered how my mom gave my cat to the pound when I left home. That was horrible. I wound up changing that detail in the book – I just said that she gave away my clothes – because it was too painful and distracting for me to deal with. I don't even like writing about it now.
What advice would you give an aspiring memoirist who has to write about some emotionally difficult stuff? How can he or she write the best, most
detailed and authentic account of the past without becoming a basket case in the process? Is that even possible?
I recommend therapy. I recommend that you talk explicitly about what happened with someone you trust, before you go talking about it on the page. Know what you're getting into, and why. I also recommend having an awesome boy- or girlfriend, or a domestic partner like the one I have. Having a partner who'll listen to you talk on and on about what you're going through, emotionally and creatively, is invaluable. A writer's group will help, too – they'll remind you that your goal is to produce literature, which helps make the material less immediate and personal. Basically, get a lot of people to help you through the experience. You'll still become a basket case, but at least you'll have visitors in your basket.
Interview with Erine Vincent, author of Grief Girl
For your memoir, you may have had to write about past experiences that still bring up feelings of sadness, anxiety, rage, resentment, and other emotional uneasiness. That said...:
Would you say that the process of writing your memoir was an emotionally challenging one?
Extremely. My memoir, "Grief Girl" is about my parents being killed in a road accident when I was 14. I decided to write it in my teenage voice, so forced myself to relive everything.
How did having to temporarily "dwell" on these painful memories in order to write about them affect you psychologically?
Oh boy!!! I realize now that I retraumatized myself. Some days as I wrote, my body would be covered in hives...I went to hospital one night with internal bleeding...felt exhausted most of the time...suffered a bout of depression.
During the writing of your manuscript, would you say you maintained a normal range of emotions, or did you experience a period of depression?
I became depressed for a while. Some days I could only write for 15 minutes before needing a nap!
Did confronting an emotionally-challenging past become easier or more difficult as your manuscript progressed?
It became more difficult. If I felt I wasn't getting to the truth of something I would go back and relive it and write about it until I felt I got it right. The more I wrote, the more I got to the core of my teenage grief.
Were you in psychotherapy while you were writing your memoir?
No.
While writing, did you confront or communicate with anyone from the past who caused some of the painful stuff you may have written about?
No. I wrote my book from my own memories.
While writing, what did you do to prevent negative emotions about the past from coloring your present?
I would focus on the "now." On the wonderful life I have as an adult.
Do you think one sacrifices an intensity of writing by attempting to keep past emotions at a distance?
Absolutely! That's why I immersed myself in my past. I wanted "Grief Girl" to be raw and immediate. I wanted the reader to feel they are there with me.
Describe the one part of your memoir that was most emotionally challenging to write, and describe how you managed to get through it.
Writing about the night of my parents accident was the most difficult. I basically just cried my way through it!
What advice would you give an aspiring memoirist who has to write about some emotionally difficult stuff? How can he or she write the best, most detailed and authentic account of the past without becoming a basket case in the process? Is that even possible?
Gosh, that's a tough one! I think the experience is different for everyone. If you're not ready to re-experience a painful past don't write a memoir...yet.
Interview with David Matthews, author of Ace of Spades
Would you say that the process of writing your memoir is proving to be an emotionally challenging one?
No, I didn't find the process of writing about painful things to be inherently painful. I think that for me, I was cushioned a bit in that I was a writer who decided to write a memoir, rather than an individual who just wanted to tell my story. Being a writer enabled me to approach the subject matter as a work, rather than something that had happened "to"
How has having to temporarily "dwell" on these painful memories in order to write about them affected you psychologically?
Dwelling on painful events while I wrote about them didn't really affect me... see answer number 1....
Since you've been writing your memoir, would you say you've maintained a normal range of emotions, or have you experienced a period of depression?
During the writing of my manuscript I was ecstatic. It was the first time i was being paid for my writing, and I was stoked!
While writing, have you confronted or communicated with anyone from the past who caused some of the painful stuff you may be writing about? If so, were you previously distanced from this person? Did you "break the silence" with him or her with the intention of somehow enhancing your writing experience? If so, did it help your work? Hurt it? How?
I did become acquainted with someone from my past during the writing of my book. They were very clear that they were not cool with my using any part of their involvement in my history in my book. So I did not tell their side of the story, nor did I give their opinions any credence whatsoever. Ultimately, when the book came out, they were pissed at the way i had portrayed them. My feeling was, fuck 'em: if you decline to be part of the conversation, you can't complain about where the conversation goes. It taught me that the work (memoirs) is the work, and the only truth that matters is your own, if you can provide a context that resonates with the reader, and/or make it entertaining. A good one should do both. The experience did make the work suffer, perhaps, in that all the reader had was my take on this situation... but, the word "me" is right there at the beginning of the word "memoir."
Do you think one sacrifices an intensity of writing by attempting to keep past emotions at a distance?
I am not sure what you mean by "intensity" of writing. Intense writing, just like "languid" writing should ne the product of painstaking craft. You can craft intensity between drafts one and sixty. I think that being at enough of a remove from the subject matter is crucial, so that you can apply craft rather than just energy to the piece. You can fake intensity, but you can't fake good writing.
What advice would you give a fellow aspiring memoirist who has to write about some emotionally difficult stuff? How can he or she write the best, most detailed and authentic account of the past without becoming a basket case in the process? Do you think that's even possible?
My advice would be to think of the protagonist of your memoir as a character, rather than as a literal (no pun intended) version of yourself. The protagonist (who only happens to be you) suffers, laughs, loves--the writer (who also only happens to be you) records these events in an exciting, meaningful, and truthful way. You're the court stenographer.
Interview with Tania Katan, author of My One-Night Stand with Cancer
Would you say that the process of writing your memoir was an emotionally challenging one?
In order to access all of the feelings around cancer, chemotherapy, toxic relationships and unsavory phlebotomists, I had to go back and experience all of those things in my body. I would sit with a stack of journals and start reading about being in the oncologist's office awaiting treatment and that would trigger a vivid image of me in that space and soon I was feeling the prick of the needle in my vein and tasting the bleach-like chemicals in my mouth. That's the only way for me to write an accurate description of what I went through and by doing so, I allow my audience to experience these things as if they're going through it too.
How did having to temporarily "dwell" on these painful memories in order to write about them affect you psychologically?
I'm a fairly well adjusted human being so I am able to leave these memories in the past. I've worked through so many of the issues that I'm confronted with in My One-Night Stand with Cancer. The worst was having to write about one of my toxic relationships, Sal because it was pretty fresh in my mind and body and I didn't want to give Sal the literary airtime. Also the fact that even though I was able to write an ending for my book it was not the end of my life. My fears and decisions around cancer and genetic mutations and wellness continues after the last line of the memoir.
During the writing of your manuscript, would you say you maintained a normal range of emotions, or did you experience a period of depression?
If by "normal range of emotions" you mean getting excited to see The L Word, doing improvisational dance in the living room with my partner Angela, and sniffing the backs of my earrings then, YES, I was experiencing normal emotions during the writing of my book. Actually, writing the book allowed me to work through my anger around Sal and the fact that she was holding my breast for ransom. That's the beauty of being a writer, if someone does something unsavory to your person, you can just creatively kick the crap out of him or her on the page!
Did confronting an emotionally challenging past become easier or more difficult as your manuscript progressed?
There are two story lines, one when I was 21 years old and diagnosed with breast cancer and the second when I was 31 years old and diagnosed with a second primary breast cancer. I felt really comfortable with the 21 year-old storyline, because I've worked through many of those issues, but I literally started writing my book when I was in treatment for my second round of cancer. Because I was in the emotional thick of cancer and writing the book, the act of writing provided me with the most amazing outlet to understand my state of mind and challenge myself to deal with issues around mortality that I was really happy to ignore for a while. The most emotionally challenging part happens when I perform the stage version of the book. I'm reliving my life and accessing all of those unsavory emotions in order to convey a compelling story AND make people laugh. Couldn't I have just been a customer service representative?!
Were you in psychotherapy while you were writing your memoir? How was it helpful?
Yes, I was in therapy. It was totally helpful both creatively and personally. It doesn't hurt to learn about yourself in-depth when you're trying to write about yourself in-depth, you know?
While writing, did you confront or communicate with anyone from the past who caused some of the painful stuff you may have written about? If so, were you previously distanced from this person? Did you "break the silence" with him or her with the intention of somehow enhancing your writing experience? If so, did it help your work? Hurt it? How?
Sal, the toxic woman who found the lump in my remaining breast during a routine make-out session. She had stolen the last photographs taken of my last breast before my last mastectomy. Sal would call me periodically, while I was working on the book, and toy with me, offering my booby photos back and then calling a few minutes later to say she wasn't going to give them back to me after all. This went on for several months. All I have to say is: Be nice to those who wield a pen! These conversations are documented almost verbatim in my memoir and boy-howdy are they funny/absurd/disturbing and amazing creative writing fodder!
While writing, what did you do to prevent negative emotions about the past from coloring your present?
My default button is optimism. And when that button isn't working there's always a double espresso and when she's not home I can always call upon running a marathon to produce some good healthy endorphins!
Do you think one sacrifices an intensity of writing by attempting to keep past emotions at a distance?
Yep. If you can't go there, don't write about it. An audience ALWAYS knows when you've skimped out on the details of an experience.
What advice would you give an aspiring memoirist who has to write about some emotionally difficult stuff? How can he or she write the best, most detailed and authentic account of the past without becoming a basket case in the process? Is that even possible?
Keep two journals. One is the Emotional Journal. The other is the Writing Journal. Allow yourself the freedom to write all of the feelings and fucked up thoughts you have in your Emotional Journal without editing. Let the words sit for a bit, then go back and read. See how fucked up you were just a few days ago. Smile and relish in the fact that you have grown. Now get dressed and grab your Writing Journal and start crafting a coherent story. When you feel like you are not being true to the emotional content of your story, go back to your Emotional Journal and access the real, raw stuff. But whatever you do, don't mistake one journal for the other. Both serve a purpose. One is a soliloquy and the other is a dialogue. And remember when you write a book to share with an audience you are engaging in a dialogue and need to consider the other person. Be a good listener as well as a good talker. Got it? Good. Now, OH WAIT, are you in therapy? I thought so. Please get a good therapist; this exchange will help you, your writing and your partner.
Feedback on Staying Sane from Wade Rouse, author of America's Boy and Confessions of a Prep School Mommy Handler
It took me years to get the place where I could write my first memoir, "America's Boy," about growing up gay in the Ozarks. It was the only book I wanted to write -- the one I knew would unleash the dam -- but I had to, first, come out of the closet and come to a place of peace in my life. The most difficult part of writing the book was reliving so many things in my past that I had tried so hard to purge from my memory: The death of my brother, the loss of many family members, a childhood of being gay in a place where being "different" was like being a fat Vegas showgirl -- I had nowhere to hide. By far the most difficult part was the realization that I was putting my parents and friends through this pain all over again, not only once, but over and over and over, as more people read the book. I, too, was forcing them to relive parts of their lives, and I talking about all of our pain with complete, unfiltered honesty.
I did go through periods of great depression writing the book, points in which I didn't know if it was worth the effort or not. I would sit and cry and rage and bawl for hours, at times. Since my book is composed of short chapters and vignettes from my life, I tried to intersperse the difficult parts with big doses of humor, and memories of good times. That helped me come back from the abyss many times. Still, it was hard not to let the difficult times from my past affect my current state. After a while, my partner, Gary, coined a favorite phrase during the most difficult period, when I would shut down on him and refuse to talk or share after writing all day: "I refuse to go in the cave after you. You have to come into the light on your own." A bit dramatic, but that's
My first memoir, "
Interview with Mary Elizabth Williams, currently at work on "Location, Location, Location" to be published by Simon & Schuster.
For your memoir-in-progress, you might find yourself having to write about past experiences that still bring up feelings of sadness, anxiety, rage, resentment, and other emotional uneasiness. That said...:
Would you say that the process of writing your memoir is proving to be an emotionally challenging one?
AbSOlutely. Some of the experiences in the book are from childhood, and some are from just one year ago, so it's like living the high octane, superconcentrated version of my entire goddamn life.
How has having to temporarily "dwell" on these painful memories in order to write about them affected you psychologically?
It can be really TIRING. But I'm not out to write a book that's a litany of bad memories. That would be dishonest. When I feel things getting too negative, it's a good indication I need more balance.
Since you've been writing your memoir, would you say you've maintained a normal range of emotions, or have you experienced a period of depression?
I think I'm still in the adrenaline surge, but it is definitely a range. Plenty of euphoria, exhaustion, anxiety, excitement. I've talked to other memoirists about the depression that sometimes hits after publication, so I know it's a potential pitfall down the road.
Has confronting an emotionally-challenging past become easier or more difficult as your manuscript progresses?
Both! I'm getting better at the actual writing about things, but as the reality of other people in my life reading them gets closer it's more nerve wracking.
Have you been in psychotherapy for any part of writing your memoir?
No.
While writing, have you confronted or communicated with anyone from the past who caused some of the painful stuff you may be writing about? If so, were you previously distanced from this person? Did you "break the silence" with him or her with the intention of somehow enhancing your writing experience? If so, did it help your work? Hurt it? How?
I'll have to do that in a few weeks with someone I don't regularly communicate with, and I'm mulling it over. I tend as a journalist to feel an obligation to everyone I write about. I'm very aware that I'm the one that gets a platform for her version of events, and I take that responsibility seriously. If I wanted to vent or settle scores, I'd just get a diary. I'll try to communicate that, but how it's received is out of my hands, and I can't let that be an issue.
While writing, what do you do to prevent negative emotions about the past from coloring your present?
It helps to just feel I was ready to write this story. I couldn't be still working through the emotions and trying to turn them into a narrative at the same time.
Do you think one sacrifices an intensity of writing by attempting to keep past emotions at a distance?
I think you have to, and that's good. Think of how excruciating it can be to read your old diaries. You're right there in the throes of the experiences, before you've made sense of their meaning. Time and perspective provide the gift of seeing events with greater clarity. I don't think that you sacrifice any authenticity because of that. You have to have it to be able to interpret the story.
Describe the one part of your memoir that has been most emotionally challenging to write so far, and describe how you managed to get through it.
I had something about my parents that I cut because it was just too whiny and really didn't serve any damn purpose. I suspect I needed to write it for myself, and I just as much needed to say, "You on the pity pot is not a story."
What advice would you give a fellow aspiring memoirist who has to write about some emotionally difficult stuff? How can he or she write the best, most detailed and authentic account of the past without becoming a basket case in the process? Do you think that's even possible?
A certain amount of basket case-ness seems to come with the turf. Embrace it. I really believe the main thing is knowing when the time in your life is ripe to write, because you have a story that will resonate with readers. The emotionally difficult stuff is in service of that. It has a purpose. And it does seem to me that as you're writing and reliving things, you're deeply aware that you got through them. You got to the point you can tell a story about them, probably one with funny parts. It's ultimately a pretty affirming experience.
To read the finished piece for which these interviews were done, click here!
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